


Doubt

by Fafsernir



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: (mental) storm, Armageddidn't, Aziraphale is not doing very good, Faith?, Hurt/ a bit of comfort, Ineffable Husbands Week 2019, M/M, Questions, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 14:35:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20508629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fafsernir/pseuds/Fafsernir
Summary: Aziraphale had always questioned, but he had never fallen for it.





	Doubt

**Author's Note:**

> For the [Ineffable Husbands Week 2019](https://ineffablehusbandsweek.tumblr.com/post/187228656901/ineffable-husbands-week-and-nsfw-ineffable) Day 2: rain / storm / downpour

_ Heaven wasn’t right. Heaven wasn’t good. _

_ Heaven was wrong. Heaven was bad. _

Aziraphale repeated the words in his mind. It didn’t sound right. Even after everything, it felt blasphemous to even think that.

People walked right past him. He didn’t want them to notice him, so they didn’t. They only were shapes and shades in his sight, mirroring the dark thoughts clouding his mind.

He had always stood for Heaven’s principles, or what his belief of Heaven’s principles was. He had behaved like the angel he was created to be, or what he thought an angel was supposed to behave like. He had loved and cared and helped and protected. He had listened and intervened and smoothed and quietened. He had been down there for so long, spreading Her words and praising Her.

He had never talked to Her. Well, he had, but not in the way others did. Not in the way Crowley did. They didn’t talk about it much, but it was like everything with Crowley: Aziraphale knew. He knew he still talked to Her. She never responded. Aziraphale didn’t even try. He had blindly followed Her orders.

Well, that was not true. He had only ever followed what he, too, thought was right. A temptation here and there had never been among Her orders. Or Heaven’s orders. Those were different. He wasn’t really mad at Her, although he wasn’t sure what she had planned out for humanity, and he sometimes worried about that.

He was mad at Heaven, however. He had never been to Hell before, and he had sadly noticed that it wasn’t much different from its counterpart. Just darker, gloomier. But demons behaved like angels. Or angels behaved like demons. It had shattered something in Aziraphale’s belief. Everything had started to break with the whole Armageddon business, actually.

Questions had come earlier. They had always been there. Aziraphale had thought it was part of being an angel, to wonder about some things. It had started with self-doubt – had he done the right thing? Was he spreading enough good? Was he behaving well enough not to fall? – to slowly turn into general questions – how had humans came to create multiple Gods? Were humans born evil, or good? – to finally turn into doubts – were children responsible for their predecessors' actions? Did humans really deserve to be punished? Why were some punished during their lifetimes and others sent to hell when they died? 

The fact that questioning was not in every angels' nature had only occurred to Aziraphale because of Crowley. It wasn't something you asked in a casual conversation, especially not to your hereditary enemy.  _ By the way, why did you fall?  _ No. It had never been a proper discussion between them. Aziraphale had gathered clues here and there: drunken babbles, sad mumbles, tired confessions… He had understood that Crowley had fallen for his questions, for his doubts. It had put more doubts into Aziraphale's mind, which he had tried to chase away. He didn't want to fall.

The doubts had never gone away. He wouldn't have gotten caught in the Arrangement if they had. He wouldn't have agreed on doing a few temptations and trusting a demon with blessings if they had. He wouldn't have fallen for that same demon if they had. He wouldn't have defied Heaven if they had. Something in him had always doubted.

And it kept doubting.

His allegiance to Heaven wasn't a question anymore. He had turned away from them, had given up his attempts to help Heaven, to obey Heaven. He wasn't taking direct orders from them anymore.

It didn't feel satisfying, to leave behind a sense of order. It didn't feel great or reassuring. It was horrifying. Should he have left earlier? Should he have followed Crowley earlier? Would he have been able to? Was his love for humanity and Crowley enough to give a sense to his life? What was he supposed to do now? Who was he taking orders from? Did She approve? Why was he still not falling?

He had braced himself for it. Had dreaded and feared it. Had been frightened at the idea.

He had not voiced any of this to Crowley. He wasn't sure Crowley would understand. He had never been very proud of being a demon, of answering to Hell's orders and it wasn’t like he could fall again.

When Aziraphale didn’t feel the somehow painful rain fall on his face, he opened his eyes. His tears still ran on his cheeks, and he realised that it might have been tears rather than rain hurting him. He looked sideways, at Crowley who was holding an umbrella above their heads.

“Would you join me for dinner?” Crowley smiled, the way he usually did. Kind. Reassuring.

Aziraphale looked at the rain pouring down in the street. It felt different from the very first rain.  _ He _ felt different. He wasn’t sure about his convictions anymore. He wasn’t sure about a lot of things anymore.

He was sure about Crowley. That was the one thing he was always sure about. He had always been sure about him, even when he had doubted. He had never doubted Crowley himself.

Crowley put a strong hand on his shoulders, squeezing lightly. He wasn't an expert in consoling, but Aziraphale didn't need more than a reassuring hand on his shoulder to relax him a bit. It asserted a bit more what he was sure about: whatever would happen now, Crowley would be by his side. Like he had always been.  _ Their own side _ . Under their first rain. The first rain without the weight of Heaven or Hell on their shoulders.


End file.
